Ask Babe: Hockey Fuck

Hi Babe,

So I’m dating a pro hockey player and the holidays are near and I have no idea what to get him!! He already has everything. what do you think I should get him?

Please help,

Love J******

 

Dear Star-Fucker,

So here’s the deal with pro athletes–I’ve dated 14–there are two kinds: Super Stars and Supporting Characters. Chances are you’re dating a supporting character. The sad truth about the S.C.’s is that they’re all insecure babies who wish they were the next Lebron James. But they can’t be, because there can only be one Lebron James, and if you were dating him I would tell you get him a vintage Rolex because he loves those.

Anyways, moving on. What your hockey man really wants is for someone to notice him. What most people don’t realize is that 90% of the professional athletes in our country never get recognized for their hard work that they do on the field/court/ ice. SO…here is what you do: buy him an amazing shirt from Barneys that accentuates his chest. Make him put it on, then take him out to a nice dinner and hire a bunch of extras to walk up to you guys in the middle of the meal and ask for his autograph. He will love love love love this. Everybody wins! He’ll be so thrilled that everyone recognized his talents that he won’t even care what you got him. Plus now you’ll get to see him in a shirt that makes him look fucking amazing.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.

Maybe you should try and date someone who plays a sport that people actually watch. Just a suggestion!

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