Ask Babe: The Homo Habit

Dear Babe,

All of my friends are gay. Like literally all of them. All we do is drink, pretend to eat (actually eating is gross) and go out to the gay bars. If I ever even hint that I’m not coming out they get very upset. Hungry gays are not to be messed with. So, I end up going out all the time, which is great, but I’m perpetually single because I dont go to straight establishments, or even know which ones to go to. Any advice on where to meet Mr. right or even Mr. right now?????

Love,

L*****

 

Hagatha Christie,

I get it. Trust me, this is one of life’s toughies and I’ve totally been in your shoes. In fact, I didn’t see/talk to/hang out with one straight person between 2008 and 2009, I just didn’t have the time. But after a while, you need to find a way to balance.

You obvi realize that there are reasons why you’re addicted to the attention of gay men, right? I mean, I’ve never met you, and I have no idea what you wore today, or whether or not your iPhone is white. Regardless, I’m sure your boys make you feel very good about whatever it is that you might look like. They love you, and you love them for loving you, and we’re all human and blah blah blah. But still, your life isn’t complete.

Make a deal with your friends that for every 4 gay bar nights you get 1 “every-other-loser” bar night. When you go to said bar, bring only one gay, not the whole cheer squad, because they will fuck up your game. Stand at the bar and order a beer. Within ten minutes of getting there, collapse and pretend that you’ve been drugged. Try to puke a little. Have your gay grab the hottest guy in the room by the arm and beg him to help take you out to the car. If your friend is one of those psychos that can cry on command, tell him not to. Absolutely not.

I hope this works for you, it’s never shown results for me, but then again I’ve only done it about 21 times.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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