Ask Babe: Mommy Dearest

Dear Babe,

My mom has this rule of NO dating until college, that also includes no dances. Is this stupid or what? Any advice how to get this idea OUT OF HER HEAD?!?!

Love,

G****

 

Dear Horny,

I’ll admit, your mom sounds like a capital N, Nightmare, who’s trying her hardest to turn you into a mega-whore by making any contact whatsoever with the male species off-limits during your formative years. But you know what? Moms are always gonna do stupid things to their daughters. It’s the nature of being maternal. The truth of the matter is that your mom has made her decision, and the more you fight her, the more rigid she’ll be. So here’s what you’re going to do: become a lesbian.

This is not so outlandish. Honestly, if you’ve ever thought about fooling around with the same sex, now would be the time to do it! Your mom will love the fact that you’re into having all female sleepovers, and she will pride herself in knowing that she’s spawned a daughter that has such a strong sense of kinship towards other women. So use this time to experiment. Take advantage of the opportunity your mom has created for you. Trust me–if you go gay now, guys will be going CRAZY for you by the time you get into college. And who knows? Maybe by the time you actually get into college, you’ll find out that you hate men anyways. Or maybe you’ll find out that you hate women. I can’t answer these questions for you.

 

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.

P.S. – If you’re under 12 years old, disregard what I said and stop being such a slut for God’s sake.

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