Ask Babe: The Most Desperate Housewife

Babe,

Is it undermining my potential that I simply just want to be a stay-at-home wife and future MILF? I love to cook, clean, and make people happy (i.e. my future husband). The thing is, I am only 20, and although I am incredibly smart (and gorgeous), I have no motivation to finish college. I know I should be independent, blah blah blah, but I honestly want nothing else other than to have a man I can wait on hand and foot. Why the hell do I feel that way? I don’t know. Help!

K******

 

Dear Future Real Housewife of _________,

Let me just say that I can always respect an ambitious woman who knows exactly what she wants. There is nothing wrong with you. Obviously, being a wife is a full-time job, otherwise there wouldn’t be so many shows about them. The way I see it, you have two paths you can go on to land the husband of your dreams:

Stay in college, but switch your major to Pre-Law

I know what you’re thinking, and no, this doesn’t mean that you have to continue on to Law School. It just means that you get to meet (and hopefully fuck/marry) pre-lawyers/real lawyers. I personally didn’t finish college because that just wasn’t my path–ohm shanti–but my Dad’s a lawyer so I happen to know that lawyers make a fuckload of money, which is what you will need because it sounds like bringing home the bacon (ew, bacon) isn’t your thing. Actually, the more I think about it, you’d make a PERFECT lawyer wife. But make sure you shoot for entertainment law or corporate law. And if you’re thinking you can just date my dad, you’re dead wrong, because I’ve already warned him about you and your gold-digging ways.

Become a stripper

If you really can’t deal with finishing college, then stripping is really your only other option to landing a husband. Just take a look at some of the greats: Anna Nicole Smith (RIP), Courtney Love, Nene Leakes, Kendra Wilkinson, Carmen Electra, any mob wife. All these women hit the pole and ended up hitched at some point. Granted, most of their relationships didn’t end well, but you know what? Marriage is a crap shoot anyways. The good news is that you’re only 20, so as long as you perfect your act and stick to only giving lap dances to older, rich guys, you’ll have NO problem finding a husband. In fact, I’ll bet you’ll be married within 18 months.

Good luck getting married/divorced/married/divorced/married/divorced!

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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