I totally hate my brother. How do I get rid of him?
Dear Justine Bateman,
OK…Brothers: brothers can be such dicks. Even though I was born an only child, I know exactly what you mean when you say you hate your bro and want him to die. I once dreamt I had an older, prettier sister and woke up stabbing my cashmere teddy bear with a letter opener. It was dark. I’ve slept with a ton of brothers in my time and I can attest to them all possessing the emotional intelligence of a fit model, so I’m sorry you’re going through this period of hatred/resentment.
There aren’t enough hours in the day for me to tell you how many people I’d like to knock off by hiring a hitman or a mob wife or a plumber. But the reality is that you can’t just kill people anymore. There are all kinds of laws these days that make it extremely difficult to off someone and get away with it. The days of murdering someone and never looking back are of a bygone era. Just ask Scott Peterson.
I’m assuming you brother has ruined your life by either being more popular, better looking, or maybe even more successful than you. My advice is this: The only way to make your bro look bad is by being better than him. At everything. If he is smart, you should be smarter. If he is a social butterfly, you should be appearing at every event he attends in a better outfit and entourage of hot gays, skinny DJ friends and coked-out model types. Also, (and this is important) kill him with kindness. Being awesome and beautiful and gracious is the ultimate revenge (that and hate-fucking your brother’s best friend and girlfriend in a three-way and posting the video on YouPorn).