I’ve been having a lot of bad dreams lately, like ones where people die. Last week I had a nightmare that you were a fat lady and attacked me. Luckily you didn’t die. Why are you haunting my dreams?
Dearest Leonardo DiCaprio-
Don’t get me wrong, I get emails daily from people telling me how they constantly dream of me. I get it, you’re all obsessed. But I don’t really understand how you didn’t immediately understand you were dreaming and wake up? Me, Fat? Um…obviously not possible. Sounds like a complete and total fucking nightmare. Are you fat? Maybe you were the fat one in your dream? I don’t know.
As for the attack you mentioned, that very well could have been me. I have been known to slap people on occasion. But in my defense, Sienna Miller was popping her gum so loudly in the Virgin Atlantic lounge at Heathrow that she was basically asking for it. Yes, I’m not afraid to attack a pregnant woman.
I’m sorry that I’m haunting you in the night, but as my Shaman Steve always says: “Nightmares will make you sweat, and sweating will make you lose weight.” So I guess…you’re welcome?