Ask Babe: Is My Therapist Retarded?



My therapist doesn’t know who Madonna is. Totally not a good sign??



Dear Girl Interrupted,

I have to believe that your therapist not only works, but also lives, in her office. Am I wrong? Is there a small bed or cot shoved in the corner? Are all her personal effects in the bathroom? Does your sad, strange shrink know what a white iPhone is? Do you know if he/she has ever heard of Kris Humphries? Or Babe Walker?

What I’m getting at here is that some therapists have their spectacled little heads crammed so deep inside their own little snooty butts that they are totes shut off from the things in life that actually matter. I’m not saying I really give much of a shit about Madonna (anymore), but your therapist’s lack of knowledge in an arena of pop culture that is so blatantly unavoidable, may be a symptom of something bigger. AKA I think she may actually be slightly retarded. Which is not her fault! But there are ways to help her with these mild developmental issues.

I suggest you make a list or mood board of every single celebrity that’s ever hurt you or affected your inner being in any way. Mine, for example, would include photos of Ryan Gosling from the Mickey Mouse Club days, Ryan Gosling in Drive, Mischa Barton, the Franco brothers, Heath, and then a few photos of me.

Present the selection of celebs to your dull shrink and see how many she can identify. If it’s less then half, immediately pull out your check book, write a check for that session, kindly place it in her lap and say this very slowly: “Get your fucking shit together.”

I just think any good therapist should have a complete understanding of her client’s relationships to celebrities. Because celebrities are creepy, and sometimes we need to talk about it.


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  • Lisa

    Oh perfect.  I think a lot of them are retarded recluses (sp.?) who have no idea what’s going on in the world much less yours.  How about “You’re feeling alienated because you’re being alienated”  OMG I’m paying $150 for that?  Thanks for the laugh, Babe!

  • The Sapphic Stripper

    Back when I had health insurance, I had this GREAT therapist, who, like yours, Girl Interrupted, didn’t know anything. During my sessions I found it kind of liberating because she made me explain what The L Word was, why I could relate to Alice AND Bette at the same time, and how I much I regretted idolizing Joey Potter as a teen.

    Guess what?

    It was a PLOY.

    She knew everything about Joey, The L Word, and what MDMA stood for and how it made EVERYTHING feel so much better. I know this because I saw her at a lesbian bar a few years later and she was anything but sober. Every lesbian knows about The L Word, and every lesbian (except me) hated Joey Potter like stink on stink. And lesbians are always on ecstasy, or so it appears.

    Babe, you may have a point, she may just be retarded. BUT SHE MAY ALSO BE PLAYING DUMB FOR HER OWN BENEFIT, ENTERTAINMENT, or maybe she’s busy filling in the shading in her sketch of your boobs on her legal pad.