Ask Babe: Is My Therapist Retarded?



My therapist doesn’t know who Madonna is. Totally not a good sign??



Dear Girl Interrupted,

I have to believe that your therapist not only works, but also lives, in her office. Am I wrong? Is there a small bed or cot shoved in the corner? Are all her personal effects in the bathroom? Does your sad, strange shrink know what a white iPhone is? Do you know if he/she has ever heard of Kris Humphries? Or Babe Walker?

What I’m getting at here is that some therapists have their spectacled little heads crammed so deep inside their own little snooty butts that they are totes shut off from the things in life that actually matter. I’m not saying I really give much of a shit about Madonna (anymore), but your therapist’s lack of knowledge in an arena of pop culture that is so blatantly unavoidable, may be a symptom of something bigger. AKA I think she may actually be slightly retarded. Which is not her fault! But there are ways to help her with these mild developmental issues.

I suggest you make a list or mood board of every single celebrity that’s ever hurt you or affected your inner being in any way. Mine, for example, would include photos of Ryan Gosling from the Mickey Mouse Club days, Ryan Gosling in Drive, Mischa Barton, the Franco brothers, Heath, and then a few photos of me.

Present the selection of celebs to your dull shrink and see how many she can identify. If it’s less then half, immediately pull out your check book, write a check for that session, kindly place it in her lap and say this very slowly: “Get your fucking shit together.”

I just think any good therapist should have a complete understanding of her client’s relationships to celebrities. Because celebrities are creepy, and sometimes we need to talk about it.


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