So I was born with God awful Kirsten Dunst lips. Kill me. What I need is an upper lip that’s Barbara Pavin meets Sienna Miller meets Ashley Olsen. But here’s the deal: the only people I know who’ve had their lips done are OUT OF FUCKING CONTROL. And let’s be honest, I can’t handle that. Is it even possible to have my problems solved with a syringe of Restylane? Or is it guaranteed I walk away looking freakish? Help. HELP!
Dear Thin-Lipped Hussy,
First of all, Kirsten Dunst’s lips are perfect for her face/bone structure. Secondly, it’s Barbara Palvin, not Barbara Pavin. Thirdly, you know I just finished slapping Sienna Miller, so I don’t know why you would bring these names up to me in an email.
I’m sorry that you’ve been cursed. This probably has less to do with your actual lips, and more to do with how you’ve conducted yourself in your past lives which, by the sound of it, is poorly. You will definitely want to hire a shaman or a vedic astrologer who can help you examine your past incarnations to see where you went wrong. Lots of times these people will suggest a once-a-week fast for 48 weeks. Laugh if you want, but a few years ago Steve (my shaman) and I were working on enlarging my boobs, and he recommended a once-a-week fast for two years to make up for the fact that I once was a Korean poison manufacturer in the 1400’s. I did the fast and went from a B cup to a full C. I was also taking a lot of HGH during that time because of it’s anti-aging properties, so I think both things worked in unison to give me perfectly full breasts. I also might have had a boob job. Whatever.
In addition to whatever your spiritual guide recommends, you should also pick up some of this ASAP. Those who know me know I abhor sparkly lip gloss, but I will always make an exception for Tom Ford. This magic potion will give the optical illusion of having bigger lips without any scary needles/implants. Trust.
While you’re fasting and religiously applying lip lacquer, watch the following movies: Bring It On, The Virgin Suicides, Melancholia, Marie Antoinette, All I Wanna Do, Dick, Drop Dead Gorgeous, Crazy/Beautiful, Little Women and Jumanji. Fuller lips cannot be guaranteed, but I do feel a learning experience coming your way.