What happened at the Oscars this year? Was it a sick joke? Why does everyone look like they bought floor length dresses from some cheap and tacky online budget clothing site? Please help me understand.
Dear Anne Hathaway,
Upon first inspection, it may seem that this year’s red carpet was bleak. There were no Bjorks or Cate Blanchetts or supermodels on Leonardo DiCaprio’s arm to feed your insatiable need for dress drama. I get that. I think living in a post-recession world has made everyone play it safe–I’m pretty sure I saw Jessica Chastain’s dress for sale on The Outnet last month. I long for the days of a Bull Market so that people will start dressing up again.
I started watching red carpet coverage at 3:00pm, but I also started drinking heavily because I knew Ryan Gosling wasn’t going to be there and, like I’ve said before, a Gosling-free event is an event worth getting blackout wasted, crying, and texting your ex to come over for. The rest of the red carpet and the Oscar ceremony itself was pretty hazy for me, although I do remember that Billy Crystal’s hair line made me really, really sad. Much like you, I also woke up depressed, hungover, puffy, alone and inspiration-less this morning, but let’s see if we can break down the trends and find something to live for:
“It” actresses were really into wearing red, but I just wasn’t feeling it. Michelle Williams’s Louis Vuitton gave me Chanel vibes, which in turn gave me a headache because I don’t like getting confused. Emma Stone let Kim Richards pick out her Giambattista Valli Haute Couture gown (Kim–how are you btw? Call me) and I think I wore Natalie Portman’s vintage Dior to a picnic a few years ago.
Angelina showed up in velvet Atelier Versace, her leg showed up in a Salvatore Ferragamo heel, and her clutch showed up looking like a life-sized version of Brad Pitt. Rose Byrne and her Vivienne Westwood walked off my thinspiration board and onto the red carpet, and Sandy’s Marchesa scared me because, for a second, I thought she had gained 5 lbs.
I wondered why I woke up in a pile of Kale Chips this morning, and then I realized it was because Milla Jovovich had attempted to hypnotize me into eating a cookie with that stare/Elie Saab look. Nice try Milla. There are no carbs in my house, and I’ve had diarrhea all day, so I win! Princess Charlene of Monaco’s face says “I’m wearing Akris and I’m over it,” and Rooney Mara’s officially my #1 enemy for wearing the Givenchy Haute Couture look that I’d told Riccardo Tisci to put on hold for me in case I got married this year.
No, No and No. I need a cigarette. Be right back…
Okay, sorry. Here are the neutrals. Do what you will with these because I am literally dry heaving.
My queen. Just when I was about to go back to sleep, I remembered that Gwyneth Paltrow showed up looking like an angel in a Tom Ford gown complete with a matching cape! All hope is not lost. So simple, so elegant.
You see, there was magic and inspiration on the Oscar red carpet after all. Now get out of bed, wash your face, pull your hair back, drink a gallon of alkalized water and go for a run. It’s not too late to enjoy your day. It’s only 4:00. You can do this.