My new bf is totally obsessed with sports, but I can’t tell the difference between baseballs and those things that go in the goals in hockey. I’m trying to get into sports for him, but I really, totally hate it. What do I do?
Dear Victoria’s Secret Model,
I feel your pain, and honestly, the thing with boyfriends and sports is that there’s no end to the fixation. Meeting them halfway only makes it worse…so much worse. Trust on this. I once tried to feign a love for football while dating this loser guy, that ended with him taking me to the Super Bowl XLIV, and me almost getting trampled to death on the sidelines when I tried to pass a note to Reggie Bush because I could totally tell by the way he was playing the game that he was into me. Two black eyes and a ruined fur later, I’d learned the hard way that nothing good can come of trying to love something that won’t buy you a diamond, make your ass skinnier, or your hair shinier.
Even though I share your hatred for sports, I’m also head-over-heels for pro athletes, which has proved to be a huge deterrent for boyfriends who try and suck me into their sports obsession. Nothing will make a man change the channel from the playoffs to Project Runway like counting out loud how many guys on the Cubs you made out with/gave a hand job to/slept with during your summer internship in Chicago. Another great way to make all the basketball games stop is to start full-blown crying whenever [insert NBA player of choice] appears on the screen because you have post-traumatic-stress about how huge his dick was and now you need to call your therapist for an emergency session. Also, faking shock and saying “wait, so-and-so’s on this team?” then mumbling “I need to send a text” and getting up and leaving the room every so often during any game can really go a long way.