Holiday Babe: Valentine’s Day Gift Guide

You can’t put a price on Valentine’s Day, but here are some ways your life partner can try. Print this out for them or send them this link:

iPad 3

It’s not out yet, so find it and give it to your girlfriend. Best to go with one in black and one in white, so she can have options.

 An Orchid

If you’re into death/darkness/the fragility of life, or you get off on your girlfriend being a complete psycho, buy her flowers. More specifically, buy her one very fragile and expensive flower: P. rothschildianum, an endangered species of orchid from Malaysia that costs minimum $5000. Sometimes it takes years to fully bloom, which means she’ll go insane trying to keep it alive. Then, the moment it dies she’ll be yours forever, which will be great because you’ll be in a Malaysian prison for stealing it since it only grows in a fenced off area of Kinabulu National Park.


Send your girlfriend to rehab, she’ll thank you later.

 One Night In Bali

If you really want to impress your GF, whisk her away to Bali for a night she’ll never forget.

Pet Sloth

I’m trying to think of an exotic animal that’s more exotic than a sloth because I don’t want to tell you to trap an innocent little sloth just for your Valentine’s pleasure, but I can’t, because sloths are the chicest animals right now and there’s nothing I can do to change that. So, buy her a sloth…or maybe do a whole sloth sanctuary complete with trees for them to live in and a certified sloth-keeper. (

My Book

 Honestly, the best Valentine’s Day gifts are the ones that you don’t have to try too hard for. Simplicity is key, and over-the-top extravagance generally means that you have a small penis. Just saying. So, if you want to make her laugh/love you forever, buy her a copy of my book.


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