An Open Letter To Babies

 An old besty of mine, whose name will remain undisclosed for her privacy, used to be a child actress but is no longer a child, and she’s pregnant. Actually, she’s kind of really fat now which I guess means that the baby will be coming out of her little vagina any minute. I was stoned last night, watching her in this movie on the Disney channel where she plays this blonde person named Lizzie McGuire and it just got me thinking about how crazy it is that she’s going to have a baby soon. Time went by so fast. We used to smoke salvia with Gordo. Like, it could have been me.

So, my mind started wandering and I decided to write her a letter. Well, not her specifically but her baby. Well, not her baby specifically but all babies…

Dear Babies,

 I used to be like you. I used to be young. I used to have the will power to eat exclusively blended fruit sauces. I used to cry in public whenever I felt like it. I used to be free. Now, I have to live by so many rules. Rules that I’ve made for myself and some that the psychos in my life, like my dad, Phoebe Philo, my nutritionists, my animal healer, my fans…etc have made for me. The list of people whose expectations I have to live up to is endless. Sometimes the pressure to be Babe feels like I’m being weighed down by six bags of chips, and I do not use the word “chips” ever. So I just wanted to send this letter out to all of the babies and say that when you grow up. Try not to read life like a rulebook. Let it be a fantasy novel full of magic, capes, and orgasms. Be yourself as hard as you fucking can and never sacrifice what you want to the pressures of the world around you. But make sure to stay chic and always stay super-duper thin. You’ll just be happier if you’re thin. Good luck, babies.

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