Listen The Fuck Up Christie Brinkley,
I almost forgot about you, so good job. You’re officially back, and you look really pretty too. Almost too pretty though, so be careful. I see you on the cover of shitty hollywood rags when I’m getting a pedicure. I hear you when I walk past my kitchen (the chefs love The Today Show). I have to say though, if your cryface pops up in my line of vision again within the next, I don’t know, week…I will cry. I get that your ex-husband is, legit the creepiest ex-husband you’ve ever had, but your quest for “peace” needs to stop here and now. Or, at least stop talking to the press about it. And stop texting my dad for legal advice, he’s busy with real-life responsibilities like planning my birthday luncheon which I’m sure you know is fast approaching. June will be here before we know it. It’s time that you take your fucked up situation into your own little hands and remove yourself and your kids from the negativity by dating someone new. The only way you’ll ever get out of the hell hole that Peter dug when he fucked that nasty 12 year old in 2008 is by finding your own, younger side piece. Maybe Joe Jonas…? In fact, I’ve seen Joe Jonas at the gym recently and I feel like your spirits would totes sing harmoniously. Peter says that he wants to live his life “without the Christie Brinkley shadow over” him. Do us all the favor of removing the Christie Brinkley shadow from over Peter Cook and put it over Taylor Lautner’s cock.