Ask Babe: Bitch Is Gonna Get You

Dear Babe,

Ugh, I’m traveling with my friend and she copies EVERYTHING I do, wear and buy. Does she really need to buy every single thing I buy? How do you deal with these pathetic losers?

With Love,

E****

 

Dear Bridget Fonda,

I’m am literally so scared for you right now. Like, I’m not even sure if you’re still alive. If you are…get the fuck out of there. This is just the beginning. You think you’re going on this adventurous, fun trip with your new friend but then you start noticing that she doesn’t “want ice in her cucumber water either,” and her “favorite designer right now is also Erdem.” She’s a fucking psycho, ok? Not only does she want to look like you and be like you, she most likely also wants to kill you and wear your face as a face.

I’ve been down this dark road a million times with girls. Plus, we’ve all seen Single White Female enough times to know that once this kind of infatuation begins, it doesn’t end until your new psycho/bestie is gouging out your boyfriend’s eye with a stiletto. Wouldn’t it suck ass if she did that? A man with one eye isn’t chic unless he’s a pirate and pirates aren’t ever chic according to my House Rules (sorry John Galliano), so by the laws of cancellation, this bitch could ruin your relationship and future relationships.

My advice couldn’t be simpler (this is to be read as if I’m screaming at you):

In the middle of the night, sneak out and catch a plane home, no matter what it costs. Change your phone number, your email address and your hair story. Go into witness protection, and cut off all connections you have with anyone who currently knows you. Especially people you love, like your parents, your therapists, your yoga guy and your skin people. Do you want them to die? Because it will be your fault. This bitch is gonna get you, and then she is coming after anyone who is important to you. Don’t sleep, don’t even blink. You gotta get out of there!

Let me know if you’re alive to read this. Oh, and enjoy the rest of your trip! Byesies.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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  • Fuck

    omg you are a psycho

  • Darrel

    Ja door

  • Alex_borland

    Oh BABE! You will continually make me laugh. 

  • Purple_funky_monkey7

    I’m trying to start an advice/”gossip”/life blog do you have any ideas on how I can get people interested in my blog without it coming to physical threats?

  • Hahaha

    Lolz:)

  • meow

    LOVE YOU.