Ask Babe: Boundaries

Dear Babe,

As someone who has dealt with a lot of psycho girlfriends, what is your take on dealing with someone who is at their absolute edge with a clinically, Girl Interrupted basket case of a BFF? I do care about her well being, but for Christ’s sake the amount of restraining orders we have to deal with because she dates crazies is super annoying. If I get one more unreadable text at 4:00AM needing me to rescue her out of a hostel, I might do the unthinkable and contact her parents…who would then remove her from the spiraling situation of alcohol, drugs and douche bags.

Interventions have been attempted…fading her out of my social scene has been attempted as well. But my human instinct to care has been too overwhelming! How to I help/get rid of her??




Dear Paris Hilton,

Sounds like you have a text book “Brooke Mueller” on your hands. We’ve all been there and this is a tough one, even for the best of us. Every friend you have can be a reflection of you, both good and bad.

Sometimes you have a  friend who is super accomplished, then they become an author, then they write a memoir that becomes a New York Times Bestseller and you’re so thrilled that they’re your friend. But sometimes you end up with a friend who is a complete and total shit show and no matter how hard you try to fix her, she will never be as pretty, skinny, strong or put together as you know she can be. In the latter case I have some only one recommendation: Boundaries.

You will never be able to change her no matter how hard you work. So don’t even try. People are the way they are. I learned this through personal experience, but it’s an incredibly hard concept to wrap your head around. Your frenemy won’t change until she is ready to change. You can rat her out to her parents, you can arrange a thousand interventions, you can even spend 50 million hours putting together one of those cute APPLE iPhoto books, containing pictures that illustrate how downhill her looks have gone. But until she is ready to be chic, she won’t be chic. ¿Comprende?

I went through something similar with my best friend Gen last year. She was out of control and I wanted nothing more than to grab her by the face and shake her while screaming, “You have to stop! You are embarrassing yourself (and me) with all of the crop tops and shiny pants you keep wearing. You’ve lost your mind and I’m scared for you!” But I didn’t. Because I knew it wouldn’t do any good. Gen truly believed she was fine and I knew she would’t listen to me. It was’t until OK Magazine named her one of the “worst dressed sluts of the week”, after she had her photo taken at the Harry Potter 8: Part II Premiere, that she got her shit together and stopped dressing so much like a hooker.

Anyway, you get the gist. Tell your friend you love her, and let her spread her wings. You’ll beat yourself up and never get anywhere by trying to change her. It’s in her DNA. She’ll either get it together, or not. Trust.

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