Ask Babe: It’s Okay To Act 12

Dear Babe,

I recently started seeing this guy. When we text or message each other I appear confident and witty, however in person I am a bundle of nerves. In my 20′s, being quirky and shy around guys was entertaining (at least to me). Now it feels awkward and immature.

The biggest problem is that I am trapped in my head, criticizing my every word and gesture. This is really distracting. Like, the other night when he was telling me a story about his ex, his therapist, and his anti-anxiety meds, all I could think about was if my thighs looked as fat to him as they did to me and how I could sit to make them look better.

I like him a lot and don’t want him to bail. How do I overcome this and grow up?

Sincerely,

B*****

 

Dear Belieber,

I think what’s happening here is that you’re literally obsessed with this guy, but you’re not realizing that he is also obsessed with you. Have you designed the engagement ring he will buy you in your head yet? Did you tell your therapist that it feels like you’ve known him for years? Do you stop randoms on the street to announce to them that you’ve met The One, and that his dick is huge? This is totes ok–no need to panic.

Just please get your fucking shit together, and soon, because you’re pushing yourself into a dark place. Let’s look at things a bit differently…

Instead of inwardly criticizing how you’re acting, how long it’s been since you were in your “20’s” (what the fuck is that supposed to mean, P.S.), or how fat you are, think about how your boyfriend is confessing to you that he’s a complete and total psycho too. You guys are both psychos, but you’re tricking yourself into believing that you’re in this psych-ward alone.

The best way to deal with this situation is to listen to your inner child, who knows no better than to be a complete and utter blundering shitshow at all times…the only way to overcome this voice in your head is to obey it. So, if you feel like telling your boyfriend he’s your soul mate and that your kids’ names will be Charlie (a girl) and Lucy (a boy) the next time you see him, go for it. You won’t be sorry. In fact I bet you’ll be surprised when, in lieu of running for the hills, he proposes to you on the spot.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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