Ask Babe: Nipple Confusion

Dear Babe,

I hate tan lines but I don’t want my nipples to get brown and dark. What do I do?




Dear Snooki,

Just stop. OK? Stop. Tanning is not chic. End of story. There is absolutely NO reason to be putting your skin in the sun, ever. Do you understand what I’m saying to you? This is super important for all of my readers to understand. “Tanned” is not a good look, and it most certainly won’t be a good look in your future. Whomever decided that being browned by the sun was sexy, obviously hadn’t looked at a before and after of Goldie Hawn.

You see that “Goldie” can very quickly turn to “Oldie”. Do your self a favor and start treating your skin like you were a fucking geisha. No sun. Constantly moisturize. No contact with your hands. Never touch, scratch, or breathe on you skin. Apply makeup and lotion with gloves.

As for your nipples. They should literally never, ever see the light of day. Your nips are sensitive little flowers and if you don’t treat them properly they will end up looking like pieces of fried pepperoni that have been slapped onto the pizza pie that is your body. Super sick? Exactly.



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7 responses to “Ask Babe: Nipple Confusion”

  1. Andeerooo! Avatar


    1. stan Avatar

      literally was going to say amen. why the fuck do people want to look like jersey shore characters. its sick really.

  2. The Hot Hands Avatar

    Snooki has been an advocate of sunless tanning for a couple of years now. Let’s refocus our hatred on Goldie Hawn’s b*tch daughter, who forever turned me away from the Rom-Com genre. 

    What am I supposed to do with my boyfriend, who leads a life of homosexual homogeneity (see: watching romantic comedies & swilling vodka whilst half naked in a club with a shower on the stage) now? Take him tanning, so that I can watch his little chinese nipples turn into burnt rice cakes? 

    Thanks, Kate Hudson, for being the bane of my relationship. 

    1. Anna B Avatar
      Anna B


  3. Whitegirl Avatar

    get nipple shields

  4. Lisat Avatar

    fried pepperoni nips?   Makes me think of the old lady roommate in Something About Mary.  Sooo funny and gross too.  Yes, treat our nips with care, I say.

  5. RKC Avatar

    We can apparently thank Coco Chanel for causing tan skin to be percieved as chic. “In the 1920s, fashion-designer Coco Chanel accidentally got sunburnt while visiting the French Riviera. When she arrived home, she arrived with a suntan and her fans apparently liked the look and started to adopt darker skin tones themselves. Tanned skin became a trend partly because of Coco’s status and the longing for her lifestyle by other members of society.” -The Internet

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