Ask Babe: Nipple Confusion

Dear Babe,

I hate tan lines but I don’t want my nipples to get brown and dark. What do I do?

Love,

B*****

 

Dear Snooki,

Just stop. OK? Stop. Tanning is not chic. End of story. There is absolutely NO reason to be putting your skin in the sun, ever. Do you understand what I’m saying to you? This is super important for all of my readers to understand. “Tanned” is not a good look, and it most certainly won’t be a good look in your future. Whomever decided that being browned by the sun was sexy, obviously hadn’t looked at a before and after of Goldie Hawn.

You see that “Goldie” can very quickly turn to “Oldie”. Do your self a favor and start treating your skin like you were a fucking geisha. No sun. Constantly moisturize. No contact with your hands. Never touch, scratch, or breathe on you skin. Apply makeup and lotion with gloves.

As for your nipples. They should literally never, ever see the light of day. Your nips are sensitive little flowers and if you don’t treat them properly they will end up looking like pieces of fried pepperoni that have been slapped onto the pizza pie that is your body. Super sick? Exactly.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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