Ask Babe: Skinny But Depressed

Dear Babe,

Lately my mood has sucked for no reason! I have a great job, a boyfriend, friends, I even have puppies… and I got into my super skinny, itty bitty, NON stretch jeans. Yet, I’m still depressed! How do I shake it?

Love,

K*****

 

Dearest Portia De Rossi,

Lets start with the obvious: You have a yahoo email account! That fact in itself tells me a lot about what you must think about yourself. You literally must have no self esteem. Secondly, you have a boy’s name, which I will not share with all the readers, but I will say that’s it’s not chic. In fact, it’s the name of one of my ex-boyfriends so that is also kind of a depression red flag. Right off the bat, the two quick fixes you can implement to affect your mood in a positive way are: a) get yourself a Gmail account, and b) maybe try going by your middle name for awhile.

Ok, enough insulting you. Let the healing begin. Here’s what you need to get yourself out of this rut. It works for me every time:

Don’t shower for a couple days. Then have your hairstylist give you semi-dreadlocks (the dirtier and more haphazard, the better, but be careful because you want them to come out after 48 hours). Once your hair is all set, get dressed up in a few layers of Comme Des Garcons and go hang around your local homeless shelter. If you don’t live near a homeless shelter, then just go to a bad area of town. Mingle with the other homeless people. Immerse yourself in their culture. Push around a shopping cart, collect cans, sit on a street corner with a sign begging for money, scream at random passers-by, sleep in a cardboard box. Feel what it’s like to have nothing. Once you’ve realized that you’re insane for feeling sad when you have so much, give all your earnings/cans to your new homeless friends, and then go back home and take a shower for God’s sake.

Or you can get on Prozac. I’ve done both and I personally think costume play is way more therapeutic and has way less social stigma.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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  • Anonymous

    seriously CRYING THIS IS HILAR

  • Sonia

    This is the best advice ever.