Ask Babe: You’re The Boss, Abblesauce

Dear Babe,

If a guy isn’t a texter… how do you make him one?

Fastest way to get some abs?!

A**

 

Dear Blake Lively,

Are these two separate questions?

It sounds like you need to focus and channel your inner prison warden. My new trainer and I have been doing a prison-style workout that’s given me great abdominal results, and has also made me a total dominatrix when it comes to getting guys to text back. I’ve been getting super creative with exercise lately–2012 just makes me want to try new things…and I’ve learned that while ex-cons may not make the best drivers or boyfriends, they really are the best at getting you in shape. Here’s how you can do a prison workout in your home: go in your walk-in closet, and get yourself in a tortured mental space. Then do 100 pushups, 2,000 crunches, 100 “burpees” (so sick I know but trust) and read a book. Do this twice a day until you are over-flowing with power, like a phoenix. Your transformation should only take a few days. If you don’t see results by the end of the week, stop what you’re doing and never email me again. You’re helpless.

Now, as far as the boy goes: I don’t want to tell you that you need to sext him, but you should sext him.  Make sure he has an iPhone? Maybe a black one with a thin case or something, not one of those huge brick cases. That would be embarrassing for both of you. Also, make sure to sext using and iPhone app that deletes your messages from his phone right after he reads them.  Never leave a sexting trail.  Also, try to talk to his mom whenever you have the chance, and never let him wear cargo pants or flip-flops. What was the question?

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.

PS- This is one of the most ADHD emails I’ve ever received, so you should definitely schedule an appointment with your  psychopharmacologist to talk about your current dosages.

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  • WhiteGirlWithProblems

    Babe- you continuously have fantastic advice and can decipher even the most ADHD emails. I truely enjoy reading your blog. Keep up the good work.

    xoxo, Gossip Girl