Babe Walker’s Guide To Spring Break

Okay, so I’ve never really gotten “Spring Break.” Don’t get me wrong, I watched a ton of MTV growing up, so I know what Spring Break is, it’s just that I don’t understand why so many people allow college to tell them when they can (or cannot) take a week off. During my college career I took spring breaks, fall breaks, winter breaks, lunch breaks, cigarette breaks, Thursday breaks, happy breaks, sad breaks, semester breaks…you get the picture. Anyways, for all you spring breakers out there, here are some do’s and don’ts for having a successful, safe, non-roofied week.

Do: Wear sunscreen.

Do: Read my book by the pool/on the beach/on a deck while you’re laying out. Trust.

Don’t: Drink Piña Coladas. Do you really want to get wasted off something that’s basically the alcoholic equivalent of a mocha frappucino? Think about it.

Don’t: Fuck a local. This applies to travelers taking their spring breaks in Costa Rica, St. Thomas, Miami, and Cancun.

Do: Run away if you see a camera crew within 500 yards of you and your friends.

Do: Make out with a stranger who’s hot, taller than you, and not a reality TV star or Joran van der Sloot.

Don’t: Show your tits to people unless you’re in Ibiza.

Do: Go to Ibiza.

Do: Lez out. You’re in high school/college so this is the perfect time to try hooking up with a girl. Just make sure you’re in the privacy of your hotel suite or on a private beach, and you’re not being filmed while Joe Francis is jerking off in the corner.

Don’t: Post bikini pics on Facebook. It’s desperate, and a total red flag.

Do: Get plastic surgery. You have 7 days off to recover from a nose job or breast implants. Take advantage of this time.

Don’t: Get pregnant.

Do: Email me if you have any questions.

Okay that’s it. Good luck!

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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