So as you all know, I post regularly about my boyfriends. But none of the guys I’ve mentioned before compare to the boyfriend I’m focusing on today. He’s by far the most important boyfriend in my life and although we only met 10 days ago, It’s looking like we’re going to be together for a very, very long time.
My new boyfriend is my iPad 3 and here’s why I love him soooooo much:
1. He’s super thin. Nobody want’s a chubby, bloated, Vince Vaughn of a boyfriend. Even girls who claim them they like a ‘guy with a belly’ would be dating a trim guy in a second, if they could. My new iPad is super skinny and fits perfectly into all of my smaller Birkins and larger clutches. I can sleep with him in the bed the entire night and not even know he is there, which is so much more my speed than having a real human in my bed.
2. He never asks me any stupid questions. In fact, I do all of the talking in the relationship, which I much prefer. Don’t get me wrong, when I need something from him, such as an address, or email that I received, he’s more than willing to oblige, but he never asks me if we can “watch the game,” or “go to his sister’s house in the valley, for bagels on Sunday morning.”
3. My iPad and I both love porn. If a guy I’m dating isn’t into watching porn from time to time, it’s usually a deal-breaker. But let me tell you that not only does my boyfriend/iPad love porn, he has incredible taste in adult film. He has introduced me to some really dark, but awesome fetish stuff that I would’ve otherwise missed. Sometimes we just sit up all night and watch porn together. It’s really romantic. Or we’ll do it in public. Also fun.
4. Last but not least, he’s never hungry. That is a major, MAY-JER plus for me. Whenever I’m with someone, one of our biggest obstacles is that they insist on eating like 40,000 times a day. It’s fucking constant and it usually, in one way or another, leads to the demise of the relationship. With the iPad, I can eat and drink what I what (nothing) when (never) I want.
So, consider getting yourself one. Besides Mickey Rourke, an iPad is the only BF that will keep you warm at night and whose feelings you can’t hurt, no matter how hard you try.