The Diet Diet

Lately I’ve been receiving a ton of emails from you psychos asking for quick weight loss tips. First off, let me just say I feel so blessed to know that you’re all turning to me for thinspiration and advice. This time of year is really tough on everyone–bikini season is lurking on the horizon, and there are all sorts of stressful events coming up, like Coachella, and Mark Wahlberg’s annual Memorial Day cookout in Malibu. It’s hard enough that you train/shop all year for that fucking party, and then you get there and he’s still refusing to serve kale burgers (a classic Babe Walker recipe that I gave him YEARS ago). I just think that’s so rude at this point.

Anyways, enough worrying about what the future holds. Let’s get down to business. When I want to lose weight quickly, I resort to the trusty Diet Diet. It’s the best. I can eat basically next to nothing and still have a ton of energy throughout the day.

Before I go on the Diet Diet, I always send an email out to my  friends, manicurist, facialist, dad, and Mabinty just to give them a little heads up. It always helps when someone knows not to use your trigger words when you are going to be in a potentially hangry situation.

The Diet Diet

10:00am - Wake up. Stretch. Have a small, unsweetened green tea while you make the Diet Smoothie:

Diet Smoothie

12oz ice

5oz pellegrino

1 bunch kale

1 egg white

1 peeled lemon, de-seeded

3 Adderall

1 Teaspoon organic agave nectar

Instructions: Place all ingredients in a large blender and blend on high for 100 seconds, or until frothy. Serve chilled, to yourself in a large glass.

10:30 – 12:30pm –  Work out. I’ve been doing this great Prison Workout with my trainer, Dirt Box Demon Dave (Dave’s a Hell’s Angel-turned-convict-turned-ex-convict, but he’s the sweetest guy, and his workouts kill me so who even cares how many people he’s actually killed).

12:30 – 1:30pm - Dry sauna. It’s so good to cleanse your body by sweating out the toxins/impurities. If you’re uncomfortably hot, it helps to turn on music. I’m an extremist, so I’ll listen to Ravi Shankar or Rage Against The Machine while I sauna, depending on my mood.

1:30pm – Eat a small meal. I’m a huge fan of The Nothing Salad–recipe here.

2:00 – 2:30pm – Doesn’t your brain feel like it’s on fire, but in a good way? Go for a run. I love doing laps around my house if it’s nice outside.

2:30 – 3:30pm – Invite a trusted friend (who is CPR certified) to come over and hang at the pool. Swim laps until you almost drown.  FEEL SO POWERFUL. 

3:30 – 5:30pm – Pass out in a pool chair. You’ve earned it. Have your friend turn you over after 1 hour. Tan lines can fuck up the entire Diet Diet experience.

5:30 – 6:00pm – Take a shower and let a deep-conditioning treatment sit in your hair while you exfoliate your entire body. Exfoliation is essential because dead skin cells can add a 1lb difference to your overall look.

6:00pm – Eat dinner. I like to do a small chips and dip scenario, where I blend up half an avocado and some organic, nitrate-free turkey breast with a pinch of sea salt and fresh cracked pepper. I eat this with frozen (but not icy) cucumber slices as chips. So filling.

6:30 – 9:30pm – Time to wind down. I like to take this time to re-hydrate with coconut water, alkalized water and pellegrino while I watch an epic romance in my screening room. Titanic, The English Patient or Legends of the Fall will do.

9:30pm – Bedtime! Sleep is super important when you’re trying to shed weight quickly, so I make sure to get 12.5 hours a night. 

I do this every day for a week and then sleep for 48 hours straight prior to most major events I attend. It works like a charm, and I’ve only had to go in for electroshock therapy once during it. If I can help just one person feel better about themselves with my Diet Diet, then I’ve done my job as Babe Walker.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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  • http://www.facebook.com/Jayne.Urbane Janette Lockett

    Fucking love it ;) lmfao its funny cuz its true! Only spoiled ass brats can follow this diet…lucky us ;)

    • jayne

      you’re fat

  • JFVI

    Babe I love you and I mean that…but this diet is insane. You barely eat and when you do, it’s food I’d never want to eat. Sure you are probably as thin as a rail, but there has to be another way. Ahhhhh

  • Sloane

    You should try kosher salt over sea salt, you can use less of it with the same amount of flavor= less sodium= less bloating.

    You’re welcome.

  • Fireatcinema

     This sounds like a perfect week, with the work-outs and all. But I don’t have time for this, I go to school and when I come home, I have homework! Do you have a plan that could fit to an already full schedule?

  • Allana

    You are sick (in a bad way) 

  • Beckie

    Does no one else see the sarcasm in this?

  • Gemzxx

    Sorry I’m not sorry, but no one or their mother are passing out at 9.30pm after taking 3 adderal at 10.30am. You forgot to mention a healthy dose of Xanax as a fantastic sleep aid.
    Your welcome xo