You’re A Babe: Jennifer Coolidge

Yesterday I was with my best gay, Roman, and we were doing what we do every Sunday: get drunk at the Four Seasons and play “actress or Russian prostitute?” where we try and guess the profession of every girl who walks in and out of the bar. Super fun. Super dark. One drink turned into four drinks, which turned into ten drinks and I realized that A) I was wasted, and B) the person sitting next to me wasn’t Roman, it was Jennifer Coolidge. I guess Roman had had one too many and left to go over to his boyfriend’s house without giving me a heads up. Rude, but not that rude.

It actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise that Roman abandoned me, because I had the chance to chat Jen up about the one thing you psychos cannot stop emailing me about: boys. You see, Jennifer is in town promoting American Reunion, and I figured her status as the original MILF made her the perfect person to talk to about all your problems because she dates guys our age and they are OBSESSED with her.

Normally my advice to anyone who’s having issues dating guys in their age range would be to find a rich older man, get pregnant, and marry him. But Jennifer explained the merits of dating younger guys in a way that I totally understood:

A) Younger men tend to come after you, instead of you having to pursue them.

B) Younger men have more energy, when it comes to sex.

C) Younger men are less wrinkly.

So, my advice to all you lost little souls out there, living your lives from text to text, wondering if the guy you’re dating will someday ask you to marry him, is this: break up with whomever you’re with and go out there and get a younger boyfriend. The best way to do this is by getting a group of your girlfriends together and socializing at events where younger guys will be plentiful. So, if you’re in your mid-to-late twenties, go to a frat party. If you’re in college, go to a high school party. If you’re in high school senior, sit in on a Freshman orientation class. Personally, I’m thinking of doing a college book tour, so I can immerse myself in the company of 18-21 year olds.

I blacked out after my twelfth cocktail and ended up getting a room at the hotel because I was in no condition to drive, and I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. So Jennifer, if you’re reading this, thank you for your insights and inspirations. Also, your tits look amazing.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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