I’m so over all of the guys that you psychos are dating. They all sound like total douchebags, and according to most of your emails, their dicks aren’t even that big. Borrrriiiiinnnngggg. I’m assuming most of you are between the ages of 17-30. For all the 17-22 year olds out there, I’m choosing to believe that the majority of you are models, so you’re fine for now. We’ll talk later. But for all the 23-30 year olds, I’m going to tell you all something that you need to hear/take to heart: YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO FUCK AROUND. These are the prime years of your lives. You need to be working out, drinking smoothies, wearing sunscreen, and not giving a flying fuck about anyone who isn’t worshipping the ground you walk on/treating you how you deserve to be treated/packing a huge (but not freakishly huge) penis.
The fact of the matter is that you can’t waste years, months, days, minutes, or even seconds of your life pining away for someone who isn’t the total package. Pining = wrinkles and premature aging. It’s a scientific fact. Plus (this is scary, but real) if you even hope to have normal-looking kids, you need to be popping them out by 32 at the latest. So you all need to get your shit together.
I’m sorry for screaming. It’s the Naomi Campbell in me. Here’s what we’re going to do: I’m going to share some texts I’ve written over the years that have worked like a charm to get moronic boys off my back for good. They’re not copyrighted (but they should be) so feel free to send to the idiots you’re messing around with in order to get them out of your lives, so you can peel yourselves off the bathroom floors you’re no doubt lying on and hit your respective gyms. No excuses. It’s time to step up to the plate.
Goodbye forever, xoxo.
I’m pregnant with hatred for you.
Who is this?
So much fun last night. Thanks for the massage. I would love to come visit you in Italy. Just need to take care of one thing first. Call you back in a bit.
We’re over. What’s your dad’s number?
Your aura is brown, so it’ll never work between us.
We’ll always have your dick.
I’m sad :*(
Seriously, who is this?
Why the fuck didn’t you meet me in our dream date last night?
I cheated on you with Luke Wilson.
I cheated on you with Owen Wilson.
Can’t talk right now, going into labor.
I will never be able to fuck you and not pretend you are your best friend.
I wish you could buy me a car.