Dear Babe,
I’m in dire need of a nose job. I can’t go on living my life hawk-nosed. I’m only a Sophomore in HS, so I asked my parents and they completely flipped out. Half of the girls at my school have had theirs done, and I explained this but they still wouldn’t agree. I have tried my best to win them over but it’s no use. What should I do? I thought you might understand!
xoxo,
M****
Nosey,
I do understand. We aren’t talking about your dad’s stupid nose or your mom’s ugly nose we’re talking about YOUR nose, which means your nose is my nose, too. I so understand. Bodies are wild creatures and sometimes they need to be tamed. It sounds like you have a tigress of a nose whose reign of terror must be stopped.
These hypocrite parents of yours have no clue as to what you’re going through right now. They have no idea of the MONSTER you see EVERY time you look in the mirror, or walk past a reflective window, or text a photo of yourself to yourself. They can’t even conceive of the “Why her?” you endure when you see a girl prancing down the hallway in between classes with her new nose gracefully floating through the air. You’re sick of your beak and you want a new outlook. I had a very similar problem, except it was less about my nose and more about my vagina. I talk way too much about it in my book, if that interests you.
You’re gonna have to sit this one out for a few years and make sure to accessorize and dress the right way for “you.” When you’re a senior in high-school, literally ask every single person you know to give you a nose job for graduation. Something about “going out into the world alone” is enough to convince someone to buy you anything. This is why I went to college five times in three years.