I am obsessed with the weather. Like, I could probably apply right now and get a job as a meteorologist or a weather girl if I wanted to, which I don’t. I’ve been known to get in very heated weather-centric discussions at dinner parties. I think it’s an appropriate and valid topic of conversation, and some people (Seal, Heidi Klum) think it isn’t. At any given time I can tell you what the forecast is in all major cities (New York, LA, Miami, Chicago) and also major non-cities (Annapolis, Denver, Oklahoma City, The South). It’s a gift. I have an iPhone. Let’s move on.
All the people going to Coachella this weekend are in for a rude awakening, because it is going to rain for the first time ever in Coachella history. This is rude, unfair, uncalled for, and I blame you guys’s karma for this unfortunate turn of events. I don’t do “rain” unless it’s a shower setting, so I’ll be opting out of this weekend’s festivities, but for all you sadsies attending the festival, I’m going to give you some do’s and don’ts to help you navigate what’s sure to be a stressful few days:
Do: Moisturize. Moisturize. Moisturize. Don’t let the rain fool you. The desert is a dry place where skin goes to shrivel up and die. Drink at least a gallon of water a day, and slather on body lotion like it’s your job.
Do: Google pictures of Kate Moss or Gwyneth Paltrow at Glastonbury for sartorial inspiration if you’re feeling overwhelmed.
Do: Sell your Coachella ticket and go to Glastonbury instead. I promise you, it’s really chic.
Don’t: Spray tan. I know it’s tempting, but the rain will come and you’ll end up looking like a streakier, meltier version of Lindsay Lohan.
Don’t: Freak out. If you’re at the festival and you think like you’re going to have an anxiety attack about the weather’s effect on your hair, just close your eyes, chant your mantra three times, then grab the nearest joint and take a few puffs. You’ll feel better, I promise, and your boyfriend won’t break up with you for being a psycho after the weekend’s over.
Do: Remember that Thom Yorke hates you, so leave him alone if you see him at a party.
Do: Barbour Jackets.
Do: Wear sunscreen if it gets sunny.
Don’t: Make out with John Mayer, even if you’re drunk and he seems kind of cute. Trust.
Good luck, psychos. I’ll be praying for you.