I’m going to Coachella this weekend. I get that the first weekend was supposedly the “chic” weekend. All the models went last weekend, so yes, I’m having anxiety about it and yes, I’m worried that this second weekend could turn out like Woodstock 1999. Unless it’s a consensual fantasy scenario I’ve set up with my boyfriend, I’m very anti-rape, anti-fire, anti-mud and anti-riots, so hopefully everyone will stay mellow and keep their shit together. Here are some Do’s and Don’ts for all you psychos who might sweat on me over the next few days:
Do: Remember the three keys to staying alive in the desert: Sunscreen, Hydration, Moisturization.
Don’t: Go overboard on fringe.
Do: Go to the festival naked. It’s going to be super hot all weekend, and you might as well try your hand at exhibitionism while you’re still young.
Don’t: Be seen in un-chic headgear. I’ve hired a florist/hairdresser team to weave fresh flowers into my mane each morning. If you haven’t already made similar arrangements, then one of these should do the trick.
Do: Stop mid-makeout if you’re wasted to make sure you’re not sucking face with Gerard Butler in a port-o-potty.
Don’t: Feel guilty for buying most of Dolce & Gabbana’s spring 2012 collection in preparation for the weekend festivities. Think of yourself as having invested in the perfect retro-desert-housewife look.
Do: Remember that a hologram will never call you back, propose to you, or father your children, no matter how deep you feel your connection may be.
Don’t: Fuck a DJ unless he’s foreign/French/hot.
Do: Hire a bodyguard big enough to carry you around on his shoulders for when you’re over walking.
Don’t: You fucking dare wear a fanny pack.