Ask Babe: Elf People

Dearest Babe,

I am a very petite girl with a very small frame. I accept and like this part of myself. However, it really grinds my nerves when someone does not take me seriously because of it. Recently a friend of mine has been referring to me as childlike. How can I politely tell her to stop, because sooner or later I’m going to snap and retaliate and probably mention her weight issues and I’ll regret the whole thing.



Dear Peter Dinklage,

Bottom line here is that height has nothing to do with being taken seriously. I know this girl named Christina, who is probably 4′ 9″. Believe me when I tell you that people take her so fucking seriously. She has the mind of a Jedi Knight and the reflexes of a Thai boxer. She isn’t to be fucked with. I once tried to cut her in line at M Cafe because I was running late for an appointment with my masseuses and Christina gave me such a dark stare/look that I immediately left the restaurant with my head down, crying. It was amazing.

It’s all about attitude. Who gives a fuck how tall you are? I mean, it’s not like you’re a guy. Guys have to be tall, no exceptions, unless they are horse jockeys or billionaires. So just act tall and you’ll be fine.

Also, your friend sounds like a fat idiot who is jealous of how fucking sexy and petite you are. Don’t let her insecurities rub off on you. You are a goddess. A miniature, little, tiny, munchkin goddess.  Don’t forget that most guys want to fuck 16 year olds anyway, so I think you’re gonna be okay.

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  • Anonymous

    Babe’s wrong. Many men have adopted, anew, the attitude that the aim of reproduction is producing eligible, adaptive men. That means resisting the culturally conditioned impulse to mate with munchkins. The new goal is to reproduce beautiful men and since, as Babe points out, ‘men have to be tall’, this leads directly to a proscription against selecting miniature women. sorry. just delivering the unvarnished truth in a manner worthy of babe herself. Also, being small, male or female, incurs a measurable social penalty. Babe, good parody has to be true. Fashionable lies may be chic but they don’t make for good social satire. You’re only 27 or 25 or 30 so you haven’t learned that yet. Until now.

    • white.girl.problems.solved

       That may be one view, but evolutionary studies do point out that successful reproduction involves eliminating any recessive genes and that people want their children to have genetic variability. Basically, super tall men have an instinct to be sexually attracted to women who have a height that is below average because they want their offspring to be average height so that they can be more choosy with their partner in the next generation to continue the dispersion of the family’s genes. – Basically, think about inbreeding. No genetic variation = freaks.

      • Anonymous

        On that view, by parity of argument, women significantly taller than the mean should take an avid interest in shorter men. That is patently not the case. In the literature, the impolitic view I expressed above is referred to as the ‘sexy son hypothesis’. It does not contradict the view directly above that reproductive instincts favor genetic diversity. That view is not, as formulated above, entirely borne out by the evidence. Female mammals show different selective propensities at different stages of the menstrual cycle, now favoring difference, now favoring similarity. The ‘sexy son hypothesis’ neatly accounts for the fact that men and women do not pursue variation for its own sake: attributes that signal health or resource-potential (e.g., height, facial symmetry etc.) are favored over their complements (e.g. lack of height, facial asymmetry). This preference seems to transcend time and place (although admittedly there exist cultures that do not favor height to the degree we do).

        • Blah

          Lack of height is not a sign of lack of health. Look it up, dear.

          • Adrianbignyc

            we’re talking about biologically encoded perceptions not scientific facts. I never claimed that shortness signifies, necessarily, lack of health. Don’t shoot the messenger. peace out bitches. 

    • Anonymous

      Holy obnoxious. 

  • aoyv

    lol i love you <3 

  • Levin Furniture

    no men do not want to fuck 16 year olds….maybe some and if they act on it then they would go to prison, men actually like girls with a body….a grown woman body. wheter its skinny or thicker but still having a body never a toot pick …