Loving The Ritual Cleanse Right Now

Lately I’ve been getting an obscene amount of emails, roughly 600 per day, asking me how to lose weight fast.  So, I figured this is an epidemic that I should address promptly. I’m guessing it’s because tits and ass weather is quickly approaching, either that or the number of you with eating disorders is skyrocketing. Either way, I don’t discriminate and I’m here to help. Dr. Walker is in.

In my experience, when I need to shed lbs in a crunch and don’t have the time to go on a yoga retreat or my trainer is on set with Charlize (his “other” client), I can always rely on a trusty 3-day cleanse. I’m no newbie to the 3-day-er either. I’ve obvi had my Master Cleanse moments, some of which have ended in tears, some in breakthroughs involving tears, I’ve done BluePrint approx 45 times in the past 4 years, and I totes love the Organic Avenue Love Deep Cleanse as a precleanse-cleanse. But a few weeks ago, I was sitting in my astrologist’s office, staring at a baby hair she has growing out of her forehead, when she said something kind of amazing. She said that my moons were craving a surprise, that I should shake things up…

So I decided I’d try a new juice cleanse. It’s called The Ritual Cleanse and it was delish to death. Normally, when I hear the word “ritual,” I think about the strange tantric sex I once had with an older-than-cute yacht-hand in St. Barth. Not sure what that has to do with this cleanse, just thought you should know. So, on top of the juices tasting like almost nothing (LOVE that!), the girls at Ritual who set me up on the cleanse were super cute and nice and seemed very thin via email (LOVE LOVE LOVE that!). They even give you special little juices to work out with. Gymming is major if you give two shits about actually losing weight during your cleanse. Not that cleansing is ALL about weight loss. Just kidding, it is and you know that. Oh, and they even give you a discount if you round up four of your fat and/or single friends to cleanse with you! So, for all of you psychos who are looking for the perfect way to kick off the spring season on a skinny note without your boyfriend breathing down your back about how he “thinks you’re anorexic, seriously,” this cleanse is for you.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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  • Dee

    I loved your response! It made me laugh, oh if it was that simple to wither our tits and ass in A flash!

    Http://www.lovelypinkdiva.com

  • Dick van der Sloot

    I will become a better person through this cleanse drink and massage