Ask Babe: A Brow Story

Dearest Babe,

I am ashamed to admit this, but I’ve always had a unibrow. Is there any way to make this “chic?”

Love,

J****

 

Dear Frida Kahlo,

No. Unibrows have never been chic and they never will be. This is a cosmetic truth that one must never, ever forget. Let me tell you a story about how my new psycho besties at Benefit Cosmetics saved my life with their chic little eyebrow treatments:

When I was six years old, a boy at a birthday party told his nanny that he was scared of me because I looked like Jafar from Aladdin. I can’t take any blame for my face situation at the time because I had just been in Turks and Caicos on a  family vacay, so I was very tan (this was before the invention of skin cancer). But it was my messy, bushy, unkempt eyebrows that must’ve set him off. They were wild when I was a kid. Needless to say, I’m still battling this comment with two of my three therapists and brow issues have become my personal Everest.

So, I’m driving to therapy last week, smoothie in hand, straw in mouth, other hand holding my iPhone, knee-driving, when I get pulled over by a cop. Turns out, you can’t go 60 mph in a 35 mph zone, owe $3,581.49 in parking tickets, have an expired driver’s license, spill your smoothie on a policeman’s dick area, and expect to drive away unscathed. In fact, you shouldn’t expect to drive away at all, because your car is going to get impounded. The cop even had the nerve to tell me that I should get a new photo taken when I renew my license because my eyebrows looked funny in the old one. NOT a joke.

So there I was, car-less, shopping spree-less, smoothie-less and standing on a sidewalk with grandpa brows?!?! The silver lining was that I had been pulled over right in front of the Benefit Cosmetics boutique. “This must be what Cat Stevens felt when he decided to become a Muslim,” I thought to myself. I’ve been obsessed with Benefit’s beauty products for forever, so I took heed of the Shopping Gods’ message and walked right in.

Upon entering the boutique, I felt a warmth and a comfort that I’d never known before, followed by immediate horror when I noticed that a woman was getting her brows waxed in plain view of everyone, and loving it! Like, she was smiling, and laughing, and talking with the waxer and the other shopgirls. I was speechless. I didn’t know that Benefit did waxing in their stores. I must have been staring at them and trembling from PTTD (Post-Traumatic Tweezing Disorder), because the waxer lady turned to me and sweetly asked if I was okay. The answer was obviously a resounding: NO.

Suddenly, I was swept into a chair by a girl named Helena. She must have spoken fluent Babe, because after our quick consultation I was waxed, plucked, and tweezed to perfection. She totally captured the essence of my brows (business-whimsical), and I was so overjoyed with the results that I kind of blissed out, and might have even kissed her. These things happen.

The day turned out to be a blessing. And when I finally got home in the brand new car that I was forced to buy, I called this girl in PR who I know, and then she called her brother’s sister’s girlfriend, who does marketing for Benefit. Before I knew it, I was on the phone with the whole marketing team in San Francisco, telling them about my wonderful/stressful day. We decided on the phone call that we all loved each other, and that we would start a partnership. So basically what I’m saying is that getting pulled over by that fat cop was the best thing that ever happened to my eyebrows.

The moral of my story is this: do yourself a favor and visit a Benefit Brow Bar ASAP. If you can’t make time in your busy schedule to do this, I feel sorry for you. But you should visit Benefit’s online store and pick up the Brows A-Go-Go Brow And Eye Shaping Kit, and the Speed Brow Quick-Set Brow Gel to keep your arches in shape. If you use the code GIRLPROBLEMS when you check out, you’ll get a free They’re Real! Mascara with your order.

You and your new, separate, beautiful eyebrows can thank me later.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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