My ex and I have been broken up since December (he moved to a different city and couldn’t do “distance,” even though it wasn’t that far) Blah, blah, blah I forgave him and we talked every day/had sex/got super relationship-y every time we saw each other until he moved suuuuper far away a month or so ago. And now we no longer speak. And I can’t get over him/have become a pathetic internet stalker and I really, really need someone to verbally smack some sense into me.
Please help me get over my ex, Babe. You’re my sensei; tell me what to do.
What you need to do is kill your ex, in your mind. Create an elaborate death story where he drives his Ducati into a crowd of children with AIDS or flies his hang-glider into an electric fence. Whatever story you’re comfortable with, just kill him off and make sure you convince yourself that he’s actually dead, gone, not coming back. If you want, you can tell yourself that I personally assassinated him.
Have a small but meaningful funeral in your living room, invite no one (Are you crazy? People will think you’re bat shit crazy!), and move on with your life. Bye.