Unexpected pregnancy is an epidemic many women will face over the course of their lives. I spend at least 50% of every day worrying that I will get knocked up, gain 200 lbs, get divorced, and die. Few people realize that pregnancy is one of the primary causes of obesity (Google it). Therefore, I’m a full-time believer in contraception. My philosophy is: Why get pregnant when you can buy a pug or a surrogate? I totally get that every girl uses different methods when it comes to birth control, but the bottom line is that if you want to fuck someone and stay baby-free, you’d better be using condoms, the pill, an IUD or the Pull-Out Method. For those of you who aren’t comfortable with any of those options, here are some alternative forms of birth control:
Crocs
Uggs
Kitten heels
Already being pregnant
Being “so obsessed with Grey’s Anatomy, omg.”
Being Jennifer Aniston
Wearing anything that can be categorized as a “body splash.”
Adult diapers
Owning more than two cats
Pet art
Having children
Face tattoos
Dreadlocks
Barbed wire ankle tattoos
Over-texting
Under-texting
Giving your boyfriend the nickname “little guy.”
Farting
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