How To Speak Fluent Pastel

First there was neon, now there’s pastel. The next shade-palette du jour will probably be fifty shades of grey or some shit. Whatever, we all know that neon has been deceased ever since I declared it dead a little while ago. What? It shouldn’t have been brought back from hell in the first place. Sue me.

As mentioned above, we are in the middle of what I like to call a “Pastel Poopshoot.” Pastels are everywhere we look, and everyone is sucking its D. Don’t get me wrong, pastels can be extraordinarily chic when used in tandem with a brain and a smart eye. Otherwise, they make you look drab, pregnant and bummed out. Let’s make sure we have our shit together here…

This pastelien face-job is really working for me. Good makeup situation happening here. We ought to also take a clue from the unique use of beige (not a pastel) being used as a pastel. Tricky, but like, SO obvious, which is tricky to do well.

The first time I saw this Prada bag in person I fell to the ground and bruised both of my knees. Not just because I’m anemic, but also because it was concrete that I fell onto. This color marriage works because the milky, cummy, pastely blue is having totally amazing and totally unprotected sex with the electric blue of the gems and we’re the newborn baby 9 months later. Contrast=Life.

Pastels are a really great base from which to build with accessories. Especially if you’re doing it with a suuuuuuuper low-cal frozen treat that you made in your own kitchen so that you could make sure no saturated fats went into it. They also lend themselves to huge hats and pets. So if your planning on drinking the pastel Kool-Aid this summer, be sure to have both a huge hat and a small pet of some variety.

Greens work if you’re having a panic attack about how magenta and blank the walls are.

I’m totally fine with a concentrated wrist moment. Throw all the pastels together in one spot on your body. Like someone just vommed Magnolia Cupcakes on your wrist. Or your neck. Or your feet. These cuffs from Alexis Bittar look edible, otherwise I’d love them.

Never do this. Unless it’s an underwear-as-outerwear situation. Actually, don’t even do it then. Not chic.

If you have perfect tits, a perfect face, the arms of an athletic 9 year old, and legs for days, then pastel purple, printed bell-bottoms should be a staple in your summer wardrobe.

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