The Saga Of My Malibu Dream House

It’s no secret that I still live at home with my dad and Mabinty and our chef. You would too if you were me, but you’re not, so I don’t expect you to understand my life choices. However, I’ve been on the prowl for a newer, chicer living space ever since my book came out, but there’s always some kind of issue that comes up. Case in point: the recent home I tried to lease in Malibu this morning. The following is an email exchange between me and Fred, my business manager.

FROM     Babe Walker <Babe@BabeWalker.com>

TO     Frederick Sw***** <Fred@*****.com>

DATE     Fri,  May 25, 2012 at 10:38 am

SUBJECT     My Future House In Malibu

Hi Fred,

How are you? My dad told me you lost weight. Send before and after pics! Would love to see your new bod, and actually see what you look like for the first time, come to think of it. You’re such a mystery, Fred. It’s almost like you’re a ghost. It’s weird but I love it.

Okay, so I found the perfect place in Malibu. Like, the most perfect place where I know I’ll feel safe/my soul will be at ease. See the listing here. I’d like to move in ASAP, but only for three months. Also, I’ve hired an interior decorator to come in and re-do the house. She’s a total bitch (and kind of a drunk) but I know she’ll give me the aesthetic I need. As you can see from the picture gallery, the vibe of the place right now is way more “Cape Fear” than “Cape Cod.” Like this:

is just a “no.” I don’t really blame Leo for the design scheme being atrocious. I mean, he wears cargo shorts regularly, so…you know. God I love him.

Here’s what I’m going to need from you: a cashier’s check for the first month’s rent/security deposit, and another cashier’s check to cover the retainer fee for the interior decorator, and another cashier’s check for the architects so they can break ground on the helicopter landing pads at the Malibu house and my father’s house, and another for the helicopter pilot. There’s no way I can drive back and forth from Malibu to LA every day. That would be insane.

You’re the best.

xB

 

FROM     Frederick Sw***** <Fred@*****.com>

TO     Babe Walker <Babe@BabeWalker.com>

DATE     Fri,  May 25, 2012 at 11:00 am

SUBJECT     Re: My Future House In Malibu

Babe,

This house, and the costs associated with it, far exceed the allocated monthly housing budget that we discussed when I first came on board to manage your finances. If you are seeking a rental in Malibu for the summer, I recommend you house hunt in a neighborhood that you feel comfortable commuting in and out of.

Sincerely,

Fred

 

FROM     Babe Walker <Babe@BabeWalker.com>

TO     Frederick Sw***** <Fred@*****.com>

DATE     Fri,  May 25, 2012 at 11:05 am

SUBJECT     Re: re: My Future House In Malibu

Dear Fred,

Are you punishing me for my weight loss comment? Let me clarify: I wasn’t saying you used to be fat. I haven’t even met you before! We’ve just spoken on the phone, remember? Your voice didn’t sound grossly overweight, so I don’t know why you’re being so sensitive. Please don’t judge me today.

How about I rent the Malibu house for six months instead of three, cancel the architects/helicopters and keep the interior decorator? That seems like a fair compromise. Let me know ASAP. I really want to close on this today if possible.

xB

 

FROM     Babe Walker <Babe@BabeWalker.com>

TO     Frederick Sw***** <Fred@*****.com>

DATE     Fri,  May 25, 2012 at 11:10 am

SUBJECT     Re: re: re: My Future House In Malibu

Dear Fred,

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

xB

 

FROM     Frederick Sw***** <Fred@*****.com>

TO     Babe Walker <Babe@BabeWalker.com>

DATE     Fri,  May 25, 2012 at 11:22 am

SUBJECT     Re: re: re: re: My Future House In Malibu

Babe,

If you are in the market to spend this amount of money, you should perhaps look to buy instead of rent. Paying an exorbitant amount of rent when you could own property instead would be an instance of “throwing away your money.” This is just my financial advice. I’ve called the real estate company to see how long you could lease it for under the budgetary constraints we discussed. They said you could rent the house for 2 days. Let me know if you’d like to move forward with this plan.

Sincerely,

Fred

 

FROM     Babe Walker <Babe@BabeWalker.com>

TO     Frederick Sw***** <Fred@*****.com>

DATE     Fri,  May 25, 2012 at 11:23 am

SUBJECT     Re: re: re: re: re: My Future House In Malibu

Stop. Let’s start over:

Help me achieve my dreams Fred. Help me lease this house before some Russian billionaire snatches it out of my clutches. Help me meet my soul mate. Help us get married. I promise I will invite you to the wedding. You probably won’t be in the wedding party, because I’ll want to keep things intimate. And honestly, having never seen your face before, I’m not sure you’ll fit in with Tobey Maguire and Lucas Haas, as they’ll definitely be in the wedding party even though I’d rather them not be. But you know what? Marriage is about sacrifice, and I am willing to be reasonable. I just don’t know you, period, so you’d be lucky to even be invited in the first place. There are a ton of people that would kill to come to this wedding, Fred. Keep that in mind.

My therapist has advised me to ask for help if I need it. This is me doing just that.

Please.

xB

 

He hasn’t responded yet, so I don’t know exactly what that means, except that maybe he died? Fred, if you’re alive and reading this, you’re fired.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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