Ask Babe: Grave Robber

Hi Babe,

My very old, and near death granny has a really sweet 3 carat diamond engagement ring and a pearl necklace. I have never been that close to her or with her (she used to scare me most of my childhood). How would I best go about convincing her that I am sincerely the most deserving of her jewels?

Love

N**********

 

Dear Money Grubbing Whore,

You sound like a huge cunt to me.  Your grandmother is a human being who has lived out her days, accumulated some nice jewels, and the last thing she wants to deal with on her death bed is some bratty grandchild with her hand out.

I would consider myself someone who truly values material possessions, but when my grandmother (Tai Tai) died, I was really devestated. At the end of the day I valued my relationship with her, more than the furs, bags and jewels that she owned. I wasn’t thinking about how her death would benefit me, because that’s just sick.

So maybe try and figure out what kind of gifts your elderly grandma can give you that don’t come in a velvet box. My Tai Tai taught me so many valuble life lessons, like how important it is to get your first face lift in your 40′s and that ice cubes make a great snack. Your “Tai Tai” obviously did something right in her life if she ended up with some nice things to leave behind.

Don’t forget that without her, there wouldn’t be a you.

REAL TALK!

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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  • Ella

    Well said.

  • Clementina

    Thank you!

  • blizzie

    I like this post…but wtf, Babe are you there?

  • MBel

    Devastated*
    Not “devestated.”