What do you think about piercings? I’ve had a Monroe for a few months now, and I will be living in Spain this fall. I want to keep it, but my dad says everyone will think I’m a gypsy and that sounds scary, but in a chic-y way. Am I right? I desperately need your help.
Dear Desperate Gypsy,
What I’m about to say will sound harsh, but please know that it’s coming from a place of love: TAKE THAT FUCKING PIERCING OUT OF YOUR FUCKING FACE. NOW.
I just got a little sweaty, which I hate. So fuck you for that. Look, I know that you’re young and impressionable, and piercings seem chic to you right now, but trust me, they’re not. When I was 7, I was so inspired by Jean Paul Gaultier’s Spring ’94 show that I made Mabinty (maid/bff) pretend she was my mom, and take me to the Sherman Oaks Galleria to get my right ear and nostril pierced so I could wear a connected ear/nose ring. My dad FLIPPED his shit, Mabinty almost got fired, and I looked like a really chic idiot. I still have a teeny tiny scar on the side of my nose that I’ve been trying to have lasered off for years now, but to no avail. I’m afraid it will haunt me forever.
I’m sorry for yelling at you, and I’m sorry your face is being assaulted by face jewelry. Here’s how I’ll make it up to you. If you’re in Barcelona, go to the Starbucks at 97 Passeig Gràcia. Look for a barista named Benjamín. He’s the broody one with the beard and bun who’s covered in tattoos. Trust me on this. He has a tongue ring, he will go down on you, and I’m fairly certain he’ll be into your “look.” You can thank me later. Bonne journée.