Ask Babe: The E-Breakup

Babe,

I’m dating this guy and it just isn’t working. I’m over it. He’s 8 years older than me and not even a millionaire. I mean at least he drives a Mercedes but still. You’re so great with words, can you help me draft a breakup email?

Thanks,

J******

Emailia Earhart,

Girl to girl, I want to thank you for coming to me with such an important task. Breaking up is never easy, unless you’re drunk, and you don’t sound drunk. I appreciate that you trust me (and my natural finesse of the English language) to guide you down this dark but ultimately renewing path towards singleness. When you’re enjoying the comforts of a semi-satisfying relationship with a guy who has a semi-big dick and drives a semi-used Mercedes M-Class, life outside of the bubble can seem threatening, like a jungle. But trust me, once you send this email, you’ll feel so good.

So, I’m not sure if you ever want to see this guy again, but let’s just say that you don’t. Email him something along these lines:

Dear _____,

It’s been a super cute (insert length of dating period), and I’m sorry to do this via email, but I won’t be able to see you anymore. This is us breaking up.  I can’t get into the details right now, but an old ex of mine recently died in a car accident and his ghost and I have been fucking for the past few weeks. The sex is genius. 

Best Of Luck,

J******

This should work without a hitch, I’ve used this exact template twice before. May the Breakup Goddesses be with you…