Ask Babe: Babies?

Hey Babe,

I’ve always considered having babies an optional thing in life, in case I lost my mind and decide that I want to make mini-me’s. I figured it would never happen to be honest, and that’s a relief. Then something hit me the other day — I have a really strong maternal instinct. I want to take care of kittens and babies and shit. I don’t rationally want any babies, but a part of me wants to, but I don’t WANT to. Does that make sense?

Anyway, how do I suppress my maternal instinct before I get knocked up and live in a trailer and buy all my clothes from, like, mall kiosks or something? It would ruin me.

K******

Dear Octomom,

I hate to have to be the one to give you a biology lesson (I also hate biology, I failed it twice in high school) but the reason you’re feeling super maternal probably has to do with the fact that you’re ovulating. Gross. The way I see it, here’s what you should do:

1. IUD

2. Call an ex-boyfriend to come over and fuck you. Wear 2 condoms, and realize that you despise him and would never want to have his baby. Kick him out of your bed once you’re done having sex.

3. Adopt a kitten as a gift for your maid. That way you can be it’s Godmother.

4. Stare at a baby for a long time. Like at least 10 minutes.

5. Did you get the IUD yet?

6. Understand that the last thing you need is to have a child, let alone a kitten.

7. Smoke a joint and get over it.

8. Adopt a beautiful African baby in 10 years. Namaste.