Ask Babe: Blumpkins

My Dearest Babe,

I recently started dating someone new. He’s gorgeous, smart, but most importantly he’s loaded. There’s only one problem- I was at his house as usual and out of nowhere he called me into the bathroom and when I walked in he was pooping while reading your book. THEN he asked if I was interested in giving him a blumpkin. I mean, I really want to make him happy but the thing is, I don’t know what a blumpkin even is. I’m scared to ask him because I don’t want him to think I’m inexperienced. You’re the only one I trust with this matter. Please help.

Confused,

M**

 

Dear Country Blumpkin,

Um…………

If you can’t figure out what a blumpkin is then you may have some other issues that I can’t help you with. Let me break it down: he’s asking you to give him a blowie, while he’s taking a dumple stiltskin. He wants a BJ in the midst of his BM. He wants you to suck his dick as he’s taking a shit!

I’m not one to judge, especially in the sexual domain, so if you’re into it then go for it. But beyond his proclivity for the fecal mouth fuck, this guy sounds like an asshole. I mean who reads my book on the fucking toilet? Are kidding me? It’s insulting to me and frankly it’s insulting to you. I don’t care who he is or how rich he is. I think you could do better.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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