After moving to NYC, my friend recommended a new therapist, and after one session I realized he is truly great at his job. But there’s one problem: He is really really hot. I can’t focus during our sessions because I just sit back and fantasize about him. What can I do? Do I find a new therapist, or do I continue to go just to stare at him?
Dear Therapist Fucker,
So many daddy issues, so little time. Here’s what you should do in your next session: Wear a hot (but not too hot) outfit, and show up in “tears” (a couple spritzes of Jurlique rosewater mist into the eyes should do the trick. Don’t actually cry–too blotchy.) Tell him you’re scared. Scared of your feelings. Scared of your sexuality. Scared of your fantasies. Scared of your Grandma’s neck.
At this point, he’ll probably usher you into the room and ask you to describe what your sexual fantasies are, and this is when you will regale him with a “dream” you had “last night” about how you were in a naked session with him and his dick kept getting more and more erect until it filled up the whole room and you woke up screaming but also weirdly turned on and you realized that he might have feelings for you, which makes you sad because he’s such a good therapist and you love seeing him. Then talk about how you’ve been fantasizing about him naked all morning, and now you think you might need to stop seeing him professionally. At some point in the conversation, it could be helpful for your skirt to ride up too high/get a visible boner. (I can’t tell if you’re a guy or a girl–you have a pretty androgynous name.)
Your therapist will either fuck you, or tell you to fuck off. Or he might fuck you and then tell you to fuck off. Or he might fuck you and be your boyfriend. But you won’t know how he feels about you until you try to seduce him. Let me know how it goes.