Babe Walker’s Guide To Stalkers

First of all, if you’re reading this and breathing a sigh of relief, congrats on being chic enough to have a stalker. Everyone who is anyone has at least one ex-boyfriend who is completely mind-fucked over them. It’s a rite of passage on the road to becoming a woman. That being said, there is a line between good and evil, and I’m sorry that your prince charming has morphed into a demented sorcerer. Your #1 goal should be to duck him before he breaks into your family’s home using the security code you gave him while your dad was out of town (P.S. – Promise me you will NOT do this. It never ends well) and beaten up/killed your best friend. So basically, do the following or you are probably going to die (or at least get a photo in the mail of him with your named carved into his chest):

Do: Leave the country/pretend that you’ve immediately left the country.  You can suggest that you have taken citizenship somewhere else, or have been called to be an ambassador on some sort of humanitarian issue.  This kills two birds with one stone because it is also a huge image booster. You are both a heart breaker and a healer.  Total Angelina moment.

Do: Unfriend him on Facebook.  Though it’s tempting to take this time to have YOUR moment on the stage which is this breakup, it’s better for him to be cut and healed than for you to be cut and dead.

Do: Date someone who was bigger than him. Just saying. Or date a few people who are bigger than him. Safety in numbers, plus Goliath-sized is the new Beckham.

Don’t: Change your mobile number. In the midst of your panic, you may feel that you need to get a new phone/phone number/fax number.  Never punish yourself.  Call AT&T to block your stalker, or use my fave tactic and hire a big scary black man (or white man posing as black man, or The Rock) to record a new voicemail message for you. If all else fails, have your Dad call your stalker and straighten him out. Your phone number is your lineage and you cannot let him that away from you.

Do: Keep a firm stance.  You cannot date a stalker, no matter how flattering it is to have one.  Think O.J., Tayna Harding, etc.

Don’t: Point him in the direction of your therapist.  The last thing you need is THAT BITCH meddling with your relationship. He can find his own shaman, therapist, masseuse, giver, healer, and Tibetan prayer guide. Not your problem.

Don’t: Take the opportunity to try out your own therapy tactics. This will only infuriate/motivate him, and before you know it, your dog’s head will be coming through the door of your home and you will be the only person to blame.

Do: Remember that silence is golden and do not respond to his messages and threats.

Don’t: Hang out with his friends, even if they are your friends. Everyone loves drama, especially yours. So cut your losses and bail.

Do: Watch the movie Fear. Even if you don’t have a stalker you should watch this movie. And if you’re asking me “why?” you’re clueless and clearly do not hate your dad.

Do: Move on with your life.  His problem, not your problem. Love you, miss you, bye.

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