Babe Walker’s Guide To The Fourth Of July

The fourth of July is a weird holiday for me, because I love America but I can’t fully give myself to a holiday that’s primarily about eating hot dogs and hamburgers. If you’re at all like me, you get where I’m coming from. So here are some do’s and don’ts to help you walk the delicate balance between patriotism and obesity:

Do: Think of this holiday as Katie Holmes’s Independence Day, and celebrate accordingly.

Do: Stay away from any drinks that are not on the white wine/clear color spectrum. Do you really want to risk getting punch on your summer maxi dress? I didn’t think so.

Do: Go to your Malibu house if you have one.

Don’t: Be selfish. Invite your friends over too.

Do: Salsa, avocado, cucumber salad, watermelon.

Don’t: Hot dogs, hamburgers, chips, dip.

Do: Think of all the amazing things America has given us over the years…like New York, Los Angeles, the Terminator franchise, infinity swimming pools, Escalades, etc.

Do: Try to experience what true freedom is all about, and break up with your boyfriend for 24 hours.

Do: Attend a MASSIVE fireworks display.

Don’t: Accidentally set your guest house on fire.

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