An Open Letter To Ashton Kutcher

Dear Ashton,

Remember when you were on “That 70’s Show” and I plugged you into my sexual fantasies because I was 12 and didn’t know any better? Well I do.

Turns out that unlike almost all of the other men I imagined being with at that time (Keanu, Depp, Leo, Rupert Everett), you turned out to be a complete and totally un-fuckable mess. Yeah… you had a chic, albeit brief, moment with Demi, but you blew that pretty quickly. So now you are with Mila. I get it. It’s probably a smart move on your part. But I see through it all.

So you should know that it’s over between us. It will never happen for you and me. Good luck with everything. I wish no ill will upon you.

GODSPEED.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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