Ask Babe: How To Be Less Drunk

Hey Babe,

So whenever I drink and go clubbing I fall over my heels, or manage to do something stupid. How do I redeem myself? What do you do if you do something stupid? Much love




Dear First name with a Y at the end of it,

First of all, “clubbing?” Ew. You’re giving me Herve Leger/YSL Tribute vibes. I’m feeling like making a fool out of yourself at nightclubs is the least of your problems, but since I’m here to help people, let me tell you some things you can do in order to come across as less of a drunk mess:

A) Wear flats.

B) If you feel like you’re going to fall over, just position yourself on a pouf or a banquette or lean against the wall and shoulder dance.

C) Don’t go to nightclubs.

D) Join AA.

E) Remember that a slap in the face can have a very powerful sobering effect.

F)  Find the drunkest person in the club and stand next to him/her. You’ll either look like an angel in comparison, or you’ll be doing everyone a favor by quarantining yourselves.

G) Go on a silent spiritual retreat for 7 days, meditate, look inward, get a mantra, and ask yourself if you really like being fall down drunk at nightclubs.

H) If the answer is “Yes, I absolutely must go out and get shit faced and try to fuck rappers/Ashton Kutcher, for this is my destiny,” then stock up on multiple Tom Ford candles, because they are the perfect “I’m sorry I did all your coke last night” present.




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2 responses to “Ask Babe: How To Be Less Drunk”

  1. Lauren Lever Avatar

    Heels are for quitters says Avery Jessop, but this is said by the girl whore new balances to the bar last night, double Ew.

  2. Lindsey Lohan Avatar
    Lindsey Lohan

    a fresh bag of coke is the perfect “I’m sorry I did all your coke last night” present.

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