I admire the way you eat so much. But I really have to wonder, do you EVER have a moment of weakness and binge? Or even eat a tiny piece of something really bad for you, like a donut? Ever? If not, then you are absolute perfection. If so, please tell me the story/stories in full detail.
Last week the weirdest thing happened: I started craving a cheeseburger. The last time I ate one of these monstrous things was after a particularly un-chic moment when I was in the midst of puberty and still got my period regularly, so you can imagine how surprised I was by this foreign emotion. I worked out, sauna-ed, worked out again, ate a salad, got a massage, and went to Marc Jacobs to try on fur hats and throughout all these activities, I couldn’t get that cheeseburger off my mind.
I literally didn’t know what was happening to me. Was I just going to become the kind of person who thinks about food 24/7? Was this karma? Was I going through menopause? I called my gynecologist to ask her opinion, but it was Saturday and she was out of the office, so I drove to her house. She got really mad at me for that, and I think things are going to be awkward between from now on. Sorry Betsy.
On my way back home from the gyno’s house, I decided to give into my future of becoming the fattest person in the world, so I stopped at In & Out, where I actually went through a drive through and ordered a “Double double to go.” When I got home, I stood in the kitchen, burger in hand, ready to accept my fate. It smelled so good. So wrong. I closed my eyes, inhaled deeply, then licked the cheeseburger and threw it in the trash. It was a moment of pure, unadulterated weakness. Fuck you for making me share that story with the world.