Ask Babe: Le Friend/Le Fucked

Babe,

J’ai une crise. I am, to my own profound shock, desperately in love with one of my best friends/makeup artist/gym partner/all things wonderful. Not only has our mutual love of working out constantly/organic kale smoothies and fabulous cosmetics and shoes, we’re both quite psycho. Her Cancerian emotionality totally balances out my ADD gemini craziness. Not only are we basically the same person, we both have agreed we care way more than normal for each other. Unfortunately, her last girlfriend was crazy, my last three gf/bf/gf combo was devastating, and we both are emotionally trying to work on ourselves. However, I cannot keep being best-friends-that-should-be-lovers. What do I do? We are quite perfect together, everyone says so, and it has become maddening being this in love and yet, so not. On pourrait en rire si ce n’était pas aussi regrettable.

Quelle tragédie, n’est pas?

Bisous,

C*******

 

My Chicling,

Been here more times than I’m willing to tell you psychos, except with gay dude friends. So, cutting right to the meat of the issue here, you have two choices:

Tell Her You Want To Bone (Today): Certainly the adulter of the two options. Find a good time, like when you guys are sharing a juice or when you guys are sharing a cigarette. Tell her you have something to say that’s been on your mind and just come out with it.  Tell her you’re doing this out of respect for her and for yourself. The truth needs to be heard. Tell her you think it could work. That there’s no need to rush into anything. Then, when she’s clearly hesitant, tell her that what she thinks doesn’t really matter because you’ve already slipped Rohypnol into her drink. Just kidding. Stop after the bit about not rushing into anything.

Or you could…

End It (Never See Her Again)(Move): Your fem-boner isn’t going anywhere and soon enough your fucked up nerves will be so taught that you’ll find yourself facilitating a volatile text war with your crush because she doesn’t think getting matching tattoos is a good idea.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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  • Bobbi

    I don’t remember you loving the word ‘fuck’ so much in the past. It makes me feel like I’m listening to a Midwestern frat boy. Are you dating a Midwestern frat boy?

  • Erin

    And using the phrase “gay dude” .. Gross.