Since the period between Halloween and New Year’s is frequently stressful to the point of trauma, I normally don’t expect good news. So I was shocked to read that Hostess, the company responsible for Twinkies and Wonder Bread and other things I’ve luckily never seen before in my life, has gone out of business. All that refined sugar removed from the marketplace? I’ve never been so calm this close to Christmas.
America, this is the greatest gift you could have possibly given yourself. Your lack of collective concern about rapidly expanding waistlines coast to coast has made it difficult to completely identify with you. This is a step in the right direction.
But you can even adapt the Hostess crash for your own family and friends. Pick someone you love (or at least give a shit about) and remove the source of their temptation. Replace their chocolates with kale and they’ll initially be angry, but when they know you did it out of love? They’ll eventually realize it was selfless, thank you, and you can enjoy spending time together again.