Ask Babe: Do It Yourself

Dearest Babe,

I am terrified to masturbate. I am a girl-woman-lady-20 something. It freaks me out, stresses me out. I feel weird and wrong. Is it a confidence thing? Surely not, right?  I am in a downward spiral.

Both of my therapists have told me to start masturbating. Apparently it will help my sex life and social life. But, Babe I just don’t know. How can I curb my fear? Will it change my life? Can’t I just recruit a gay man to fuck me whenever need be? Only you can answer these questions.

Thank you for all that you do.

Namaste.

G*****

 

Dear Nun Person,

Unclear on your phobia, and kind of scared for you, but I’m going to put those feelings aside and try to help you. First off, you can burn up to 300 calories in just 5 minutes of intense self-pleasure, so this should really be a no-brainer. I mean, if I had known this before Googling it just now, I would have canceled my trainer, quit my pilates classes, and stopped sleeping in the nude with no sheets and the thermostat set to 60 degrees ages ago. You live, you learn I guess. Bottom line is: if masturbating was “weird” or “wrong” you’d gain weight from doing it.

Here’s what you’re going to do: Go online and buy a vibrator. The more expensive the better. If you have the means, there’s a company that manufactures sex toys in the $10k – $25k range that I highly recommend. Now, book a night for yourself at a chic hotel. King size bed is a must. Make sure you bring your computer (and maybe some pot) with you because you are going to spend the next 24 hours surfing every kind of website known to man in search of what turns you on. Maybe it’s not porn (strange, but okay). Maybe it’s shoes (you are the worst). Maybe it’s pictures of young Anderson Cooper or Andy Cohen (been there). The point is, you need to take some “me time” to figure out how to fulfill your own carnal desires before it’s too late and you enter your 30’s as an orgasm-less, boyfriend-less, girlfriend-less, sex-less psycho.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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