I had a massive panic attack on Friday when I started thinking about how unclear the future of every American woman’s vagina/uterus/cervix is if Mitt Romney becomes president. So I did what I always do when I can’t deal with life: ship out to Utah. But this time (instead of rehab) I chose this crazy spa built into the side of a mountain that offers massages, juice cleanses and horseback riding without all the annoying meth addicts/alcoholics convicted of manslaughter. Way more positive vibes. Anyways, now that I’m back in LA, I thought I’d give all you psychos some Do’s and Don’ts to get you through the harrowing stressmare that is Election Day.
Do: Vote. It’s chic.
Don’t: You dare not vote. Psycho.
Do: Take the day off work. Multitasking can be strenuous, and all your energy should be focused on getting to the polls before they close.
Do: Take a vacation. You voted, so you’ve earned it. I recommend Amsterdam.
Don’t: Stress drink. Empty calories.
Do: Smoke pot.
Do: Have your real estate broker on speed dial just in case you need to arrange a move to Canada in 2013.
Don’t: Forget to take your birth control. Now is NOT the time for an unplanned pregnancy.
Do: Try to look somewhat acceptable at the polls. Sweatpants are still sweatpants, even if you paired them with Chanel flats and a Céline coat.
Do: Céline coats. Everything.
Don’t: Chanel flats, actually. I had a friend who fell and tore a ligament in her ankle while wearing them and she couldn’t work out for two months. Thankfully she took up smoking again so she didn’t gain any weight, but her right ankle is noticeably larger than her left ankle, and it’s TBD if she’ll ever get over that.