Ask Babe: Sympathy Whore.

Dear Babe,

I often find myself lying awake at night, stoned, thinking about my funeral. I don’t want to die and I haven’t been suicidal in like a year but I want to know who would care if I died/notify the world via Facebook and who would come to my funeral. And who would come to my funeral drunk. Should I fake my death and then change my name and start a new life? Am I a narcissist? Where am I?

Love,

L****

 

Dear Tupac,

Don’t try and fake your own death. Don’t do it. Trust me, I’ve thought this through.

If you really want to see who cares about you/would spread the word about your death, just fake something a bit less permanent. Try a broken leg. Take some pictures of a broken leg in a cast and post it on twitter or instagram or on your FB wall. You should be able to gauge the sympathy level from the quantity and quality of the comments.

If you really want to take it to the next level, you could actually get a cast made. It’s kind of a hassle but there are perks: You will get a ton of sympathy, your friends will wheel you around in a wheelchair, and you get to park in the handicapped spot. If you want to go this route just send me an email because I know a great “fake cast” guy.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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